SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Cost of hosting a Passion Party: $0

Snacks for your guests: $20

One tub of mint Tasty Tease: $8.50



What your wife will agree to w/ Tasty Tease: PRICELESS!!


(Note: This post was written BY the above-mentioned wife.)

WHAT DO MEN FEAR?

I found a list of the top-15 things that men are allegedly afraid of. I've often described myself as an atypical male. I don't drink beer. I don't know anything about tools. And I know nothing about cars. So let's see if the trend continues.

#1 Public humiliation: Well sure, who wants this? I'm not sure this is a fear of mine. But it is something I'd like to avoid at all costs.

#2 Not seeing his kids grow up: Again, I don't fear it. But I certainly want to experience this.

#3 Tofurky: I'm guessing this was a joke entry. But if it tastes good, I'll eat it. If it tastes like shit, I won't.

#4 Getting naked: If I could be naked all the time, I would. I have no fear of nudity. I'm not real modest. And if someone wants to see the goods, just ask. When a female's been involved, it's a two-way street the first time. And she's probably a lot more concerned about her vanity than I am with mine. And once the action starts, it's all good anyway.

#5 Beautiful women: I must admit, even though I have nothing to gain, and I'm seeking nothing in return, I still have a tendency to get a little flustered. But I won't shy away from them. If anything, I'll try to get a little closer.

#6 Living paycheck to paycheck: One of life's cruel jokes. Most everyone is in this boat - save for some elite republicans.

#7 Not being a god to his kids: I'm "daddy." That's good enough.

#8 Being a lousy lover: Well, I've had no complaints, save for the one time I was sick and loopy on cold medicine. And no, that was not my wife. When all parties end satisfied, what more can you ask?

#9 Her tears: They are rare. I didn't marry a fragile tulip. There's nothing to fear here.

#10 His dad's death: Well, that would certainly suck. I guess there's a small fear for the inevitable. But it's not pending. So all is well.

#11 Speedos: I don't need to share the outline of my package to the world. If you want a peek, just ask. Speedos also kill sperm. It's true.

#12 Super Nanny: I've seen the show once. I have no desire to see it again. But if I catch a bit of it, so be it.

#13 Rejection: This one may be true. I've always struggled with rejection. Because of it, I've often avoided situations that could lead to it. Sometimes I'm amazed I ever got laid, let alone married. This fear has subsided with the passage of time. But it still exists.

#14 Getting caught noticing another woman: The beauty of sunglasses. You can gawk and not be noticed. Am I concerned if my wife sees me looking though? Hardly! She could pretty much care less. The most I'd ever get is an eye roll, after I gaze upon some other lovely creature and make some sort of gutteral "mmm-mmm." Jimmy Carter once said in an interview that he lusted after several women outside of his marriage. I think that's normal. Kudos to him for admitting it. But thinking it and acting on it are too vastly different things.

#15 Hair in the drain: My hair is so short as it is. If any were to hit the bottom of the shower, they'd be washed away. Amazingly, I still have my hair. At this point, I've no fear of losing it.

So there you have it. Once again, it appears as if I'm abnormal. Oh well. I'm happy that way.

TALKING BACKWARDS

Back in 1979, there was a TV show called "Real People." It was a really cool show featuring people doing amazing things - stunts and such. At the time, I was living in Manitowoc.

One night the show featured a guy who could talk backwards. His name was "Uncle Backwards" or something like that. I'm sure that wasn't his birth name though. Anyway, around that same time (probably shortly after the show) there was a small article in the newspaper about talking backwards. According to the article, people weren't supposed to be able to do that. In fact, the article said that if you knew someone who could, they wanted you to call the phone number they provided.

Well, I can talk backwards. At the time, I was a little kid. But I had been talking backwards for fun, for several years. I used to do it for my friends at school. They'd get a big kick out of it. My parents new of this talent of mine, and called the number. As it turned out, the person I spoke to on the phone were affiliated with the guy I'd seen on TV. In fact, they even let me talk to him for a few minutes.

A few weeks later, these two guys flew to Wisconsin to interview me for some sort of magazine or study. They brought tape recorders and put me through a bunch of tests to gauge my abilities. Apparently there was one other person somewhere in the country they went to see as well. They wanted to compare and contrast our "styles." It was all kind of weird to me. But it was kind of cool too. Our time together lasted a couple of hours. And that was it. There was to be no fame or fortune for me.

A year or two later, another TV show came on the air. This show was called "That's Incredible" - which was basically a carbon copy of "Real People." And lo and behold, that "Uncle Backwards" guy appeared on their show as well.

Then when I was in 8th grade, out of the blue, the two guys who had interviewed me years earlier, somehow tracked me down again. We were living in Two Rivers at that time. They wanted to fly in again and interview me. So they did. This time I taped it as well. I still have the tape. They even showed me the magazine that I had appeared in. They spent about 90 minutes with me, then left. I've not heard from them since.

When I was a junior in high school, Meff and I were talking on the phone one night. And I was telling him about my ability to talk backwards. He was a bit skeptical. Then again, he's skeptical about most things. So he challenged me. He asked me to not only say, but to actually sing the entire Flintstones' theme - backwards. Well, I guess I was up for the challenge. With no practice at all, I breezed through the entire song, in the proper time as well. When it was all said and done, he was laughing his ass off and telling me how amazing that was.

This is a true story. Maybe I should film myself singing the Flintstones' theme backwards once again, and put it in Youtube. What a trip! I think I will.

THE FRICKEN' COLD!

Am I the only one who is sick and tired of this cold now? It's been a week of this shit! I've had enough! I walk the dog twice each night, for a total of 45 minutes combined. And it's brutal!

Jedi (the dog) loves to walk. But when he comes back, he has a bit of an ice beard. As for myself, I've been wearing a hooded sweatshirt, a leather jacket, a warm ear-bandana-type thing, and gloves. Yet I still freeze my ass off. Maybe I should wear something other than sweat pants. They're pretty thin. And when I got back, I find that my genitalia have shriveled up to the size of a walnut. Weird.

It was -21 earlier this week. Isn't that a bit excessive? If there's any silver lining at all, it's that it hasn't been windy - until last night that is. Last night the wind just ripped into me. It was actually the warmest night of this cold spell. But it felt the coldest. When I got back home, my legs were red and numb. Yet I keep venturing out into it. You have to exercise. And the dog needs to walk. So what are you going to do? Grin and bear it? No, bitch and bear it.

MORE DREAMS

Inspired by my freaky dream about Jason, I started a new blog, dedicated solely to my dreams. I've linked it on the side of this page.

OOH WHAT A LUCKY MAN HE WAS

As very few people know, over the last several years, I have spent an enormous amount of time on an NFL message board. It’s a place that is primarily male-dominated. It’s safe to say that 95% of the users are male. And in the course of these years, I’ve gotten to “know” a lot of these people a bit. Many of them share their personal lives, as do I. Hell, most of the fun takes place in the non-football forums anyway.

One thing that I’ve discovered is that many of these guys fall into the stereotypical husband role. That is to say, many of them are miserable. Now before anyone jumps on me, let me clarify that many of these guys fit the STEREOTYPE of the “whipped” man who does whatever his wife says, and has to ask permission to do anything. Whether it’s true or not, this stereotype does in fact exist. And from what I’ve seen, in some cases, the stereotype rings true.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the line, “My wife would never let me…” And this is in regards to small, trivial things.

And that’s sad.

Of course I then look at my own situation. When talking about my wife to others, I’ve always referred to her as a “cool wife.” And she is. She’s very liberal and open-minded about everything. If I wanted to “go out with the guys” it’s no problem with her. If I wanted to go to the strip club, it’s no problem with her. Hell, she’s gone to the strip club with me. NOTE: For the record, if you bring your wife or girlfriend with you to a strip club, the strippers are MUCH nicer to you, in every way.

I was reminded of this stereotype while listening to the radio this morning. The subject of the life of a married man came up. And to a man, they all said that the above-mentioned stereotype is true. One guy went so far as to say that every married man he knew was miserable.

If someone called me on Friday afternoon, and said, “Hey, let’s go out drinking tonight,” or “Hey, let’s go to the strip club tonight,” as long as I didn’t have prior plans (and assuming I wanted to go) I would say, “Sure!” I wouldn’t need to say, “I’ll have to ask my wife first.” Now don’t get me wrong here. I of course would call my wife and tell her about the plans I’d made. And I know for a fact that unless we had something else going on that I’d completely forgotten about, she’d encourage me to go and have a good time.

This works both ways also. We’ve been together since 1998. Since that time, she has probably “gone out” a lot more than I have. I have no problem with that. Why should I? I’m not sure Milwaukee has any male strip clubs, but if she finds one, and wants to go to one with her friends, that’s fine with me.

Tell me, am I the strange one here? Am I a minority? Am I lucky? Do I have it made? Or am I not unique at all? It’s pretty common in life that only those who have negative feelings about things speak up and complain about them. While the happily content say nothing because they have nothing to complain about.