BRITNEY SPEARS

Ok, let me say off the bat that I can't stand Britney Spears. I've always said that she has two talents - the left one and the right one. For those who can't read through my subtle humor, I am of course referring to her boobs. I don't think she can sing. Her voice sounds metallic. Her music sucks. She comes across as an absolute airhead. She's a train wreck of a person. She appears to be a bad parent. She's been in and out of rehab.

In a nutshell, the girl's a fricken' mess.

Despite the anti-Britney stance I've had for years, I've always been attracted to her physically. I've often commented on how ashamed I've been to have to admit to that. But damn! The girl has always been smoking hot! Who cares what she sounds like. Britney Spears is the reason God created the mute button.

So last night she made her "comeback" at the MTV Video Music Awards. No, I didn't watch it. But this morning, I've seen tons of news reports on how she bombed. According to the reports, she looked fat, out of shape, forgot to lip sync, looked lethargic, and generally appeared uninterested. Word is she broke out in tears after she walked offstage.

If Britney Spears were to disappear and never be heard from again, I'd be just fine with that. Let's face it, her core audience was a bunch of 10-year-old girls. Those girls are all grown up now. No one is going to buy her music anymore. She's done.

But holy crap, they say she's fat and out of shape? Give me a fuckin' break! Sure, maybe she's put on 15-20 pounds. But she still looks great! Plus, she's given birth to two kids! Find me a woman alive who wouldn't want Britney's body (minus the alcohol intake) after having two kids.

The evidence is below. Given the opportunity, I'd be all over that like a cheap suit. Since her star has fallen so far, maybe I've got a chance now. Probably not, but it's nice to dream.