I INVENTED "DROP A DEUCE"

By now we've all heard the line. "I got to drop a deuce." What does it mean? To be blunt, it means that you have to take a shit - pinch a loaf, go poop, drop a load, make dookie... Whatever you wish to call this crude act of nature is fine by me. But everytime I hear the phrase "drop a deuce" I cringe a bit. Why?

Because I invented the phrase.

I can't take full credit for it however. Meff, my partner in grammar-related crime, also had a hand in it. (Not literally. That was Doug Wall. But that's another story. See my other blog for the details.)

Back in the early-1990's, Meff and I began to refer to certain things with our own terms. We would often borrow lines from movies or whatever. For instance, a woman was simply refered to as a "hello." But it wasn't just any hello. You had to say it in a lecherous voice - sort of like Lenny & Squiggy did in Laverne & Shirley. I know what you're asking now. What were men called. Well... we simply referred to them as "pumpernickles." Yes, there is an original for that phrase. But don't ask. I could tell you. But there really is no coherent explanation to it. So why bother.

Ever heard of the word "loud?" Of course. But we didn't use it. Instead, we replaced the short word "loud" with a much longer phrase: "Ranken's mother's fart hole." In other words, if we were to walk into a loud bar or something, we might say, "Wow. It's like Ranken's mother's fart hole in here!"

Again, don't ask. Hell, I'll bet Meff can't even recall where that one came from.

We used the word "khan" for a variety of purposes. But overall, it usually referred to something being affirmative. "Should we get a pizza?" "Mmm... khan!"

I can't even tell you where that one originated.

But anyway, we also used terms to describe our toilet-related bodily functions. We expanded on the classics #1 and #2. For peeing, we simply used the word "solo." So if we had to go to the bathroom, we might say, "I got a solo brewing." If we wanted to state our intentions without using a full sentence, we would just utter the phrase, "solo." But you couldn't just say the word. You had to say it in a low, monotone voice - like Jabba The Hutt did in Return Of The Jedi, when he pointed out Han Solo (Solo!) hanging in his chamber, frozen in carbonite.

As for the act of defecation, I coined the phrase "deuce." Meff immediately approved. I believe the confirmation took place in my parent's TV room in their 9th St. home in Manitowoc, back around 1990 or 1991. Over the years we would often say things like, "I've got a deuce brewing" or I gotta drop a deuce." And then of course there was the dreaded "creamy deuce."

At some point, a year or two later perhaps, both of us were sort of getting into the band Kiss. We'd each purchased the Kiss greatest hits CD, "Double Platinum." One of the songs on the album is called "Deuce." It's from 1974 or something. The last line of the chorus is, "He's worth a deuce." What that means is a mystery to me. But Meff and I surmised that it fit perfectly with our own meaning of the word. You know how people sometimes say things like, "He ain't worth shit!" Well, in the context of the song, the character who was "worth a deuce" was also a hard-working man. Therefore, this guy was "worth shit" - the opposite of "ain't worth shit." Makes sense, huh? Well it did to us!

We used that phrase for years and years. While some of our other bizarre terms may have died off, this particular one stuck.

Then one night in the summer of 2000, my wife and I were watching the very first season of Survivor. There was a contestant named Sean Kenniff. He finished fifth. But a few weeks into the show, he commented into the camera, something to the effect of, "I haven't dropped a deuce since I got here."

I stood up from the couch and screamed! That's my term! I was shocked. I immediately called Meff and told him about it.

Since that time, the term deuce has now found its way into the American language. I still get a bit bothered everytime I hear it. But I guess I should be proud. I gave birth to a new catch phrase! And I give credit where credit is due. Meff contributed as well. Without his approval, there would be no deuce today!

Earlier today, I spent some time exploring the origins of the phrase "deuce" - as it applies to shit. Most of the entries I discovered were found in online urban dictionaries. Most of them were from the early 2000's. However, I did find one earlier reference from November, 1999. But still, that's a good eight or nine years after Meff and I coined the phrase.

I will admit that there could very well be other people out there who may have coined the same phrase on their own. So be it. But that doesn't change the fact that Meff and I also coined the phrase on our own - a phrase that neither of us had ever heard uttered before. And now, 16 or 17 years later, that term is fully engrossed in our pop culture.

So the next time you drop a deuce, I want you to think of me!

What a legacy.