I found this column in Friday's paper. It moved me. So I'm posting it here.
MOTHER LEARNS LATE IN LIFE TO ACCEPT GAY SON AS HE IS
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I raised our two sons and two daughters. One son and both daughters married well. Our other son, "Neil," is gay. He and his partner, "Ron," have been together 15 years, but Neil's father and I never wanted to know Ron because we disapproved of their lifestyle.
When I was 74, my husband died, leaving me in ill health and nearly penniless. No longer able to live alone, I asked my married son and two daughters if I could "visit" each of them for four months a year. (I didn't want to burden any one family, and thought living out of a suitcase would be best for everyone.) All three turned me down. Feeling unwanted, I wanted to die.
When Neil and Ron heard what had happened, they invited me to move across country and live with them. They welcomed me into their home, and even removed a wall between two rooms so I'd have a bedroom with a private bath and sitting room -- although we spend most of our time together.
They also include me in many of their plans. Since I moved in with them, I have traveled more than I have my whole life and seen places I only read about in books. They never mention the fact that they are supporting me, or that I ignored them in the past.
When old friends ask how it feels living with my gay son, I tell them I hope they're lucky enough to have one who will take them in one day. Please continue urging your readers to accept their children as they are. My only regret is that I wasted 15 years. -- GRATEFUL MOM
DEAR GRATEFUL MOM: You are indeed fortunate to have such a loving, generous and forgiving son. Sexual orientation is not a measure of anyone's humanity or worth. Thank you for pointing out how important it is that people respect each other for who they are, not for what we would like them to be.
You could have learned that lesson long ago, had you and your husband contacted Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) when you first learned that Neil was gay. Among other things, the organization offers support groups and education for parents who need to learn more about gender issues. (The address is 1726 M St. N.W., Suite 400, Washington, D.C. 20036.)
Monday, July 16, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I INVENTED "DROP A DEUCE"
By now we've all heard the line. "I got to drop a deuce." What does it mean? To be blunt, it means that you have to take a shit - pinch a loaf, go poop, drop a load, make dookie... Whatever you wish to call this crude act of nature is fine by me. But everytime I hear the phrase "drop a deuce" I cringe a bit. Why?
Because I invented the phrase.
I can't take full credit for it however. Meff, my partner in grammar-related crime, also had a hand in it. (Not literally. That was Doug Wall. But that's another story. See my other blog for the details.)
Back in the early-1990's, Meff and I began to refer to certain things with our own terms. We would often borrow lines from movies or whatever. For instance, a woman was simply refered to as a "hello." But it wasn't just any hello. You had to say it in a lecherous voice - sort of like Lenny & Squiggy did in Laverne & Shirley. I know what you're asking now. What were men called. Well... we simply referred to them as "pumpernickles." Yes, there is an original for that phrase. But don't ask. I could tell you. But there really is no coherent explanation to it. So why bother.
Ever heard of the word "loud?" Of course. But we didn't use it. Instead, we replaced the short word "loud" with a much longer phrase: "Ranken's mother's fart hole." In other words, if we were to walk into a loud bar or something, we might say, "Wow. It's like Ranken's mother's fart hole in here!"
Again, don't ask. Hell, I'll bet Meff can't even recall where that one came from.
We used the word "khan" for a variety of purposes. But overall, it usually referred to something being affirmative. "Should we get a pizza?" "Mmm... khan!"
I can't even tell you where that one originated.
But anyway, we also used terms to describe our toilet-related bodily functions. We expanded on the classics #1 and #2. For peeing, we simply used the word "solo." So if we had to go to the bathroom, we might say, "I got a solo brewing." If we wanted to state our intentions without using a full sentence, we would just utter the phrase, "solo." But you couldn't just say the word. You had to say it in a low, monotone voice - like Jabba The Hutt did in Return Of The Jedi, when he pointed out Han Solo (Solo!) hanging in his chamber, frozen in carbonite.
As for the act of defecation, I coined the phrase "deuce." Meff immediately approved. I believe the confirmation took place in my parent's TV room in their 9th St. home in Manitowoc, back around 1990 or 1991. Over the years we would often say things like, "I've got a deuce brewing" or I gotta drop a deuce." And then of course there was the dreaded "creamy deuce."
At some point, a year or two later perhaps, both of us were sort of getting into the band Kiss. We'd each purchased the Kiss greatest hits CD, "Double Platinum." One of the songs on the album is called "Deuce." It's from 1974 or something. The last line of the chorus is, "He's worth a deuce." What that means is a mystery to me. But Meff and I surmised that it fit perfectly with our own meaning of the word. You know how people sometimes say things like, "He ain't worth shit!" Well, in the context of the song, the character who was "worth a deuce" was also a hard-working man. Therefore, this guy was "worth shit" - the opposite of "ain't worth shit." Makes sense, huh? Well it did to us!
We used that phrase for years and years. While some of our other bizarre terms may have died off, this particular one stuck.
Then one night in the summer of 2000, my wife and I were watching the very first season of Survivor. There was a contestant named Sean Kenniff. He finished fifth. But a few weeks into the show, he commented into the camera, something to the effect of, "I haven't dropped a deuce since I got here."
I stood up from the couch and screamed! That's my term! I was shocked. I immediately called Meff and told him about it.
Since that time, the term deuce has now found its way into the American language. I still get a bit bothered everytime I hear it. But I guess I should be proud. I gave birth to a new catch phrase! And I give credit where credit is due. Meff contributed as well. Without his approval, there would be no deuce today!
Earlier today, I spent some time exploring the origins of the phrase "deuce" - as it applies to shit. Most of the entries I discovered were found in online urban dictionaries. Most of them were from the early 2000's. However, I did find one earlier reference from November, 1999. But still, that's a good eight or nine years after Meff and I coined the phrase.
I will admit that there could very well be other people out there who may have coined the same phrase on their own. So be it. But that doesn't change the fact that Meff and I also coined the phrase on our own - a phrase that neither of us had ever heard uttered before. And now, 16 or 17 years later, that term is fully engrossed in our pop culture.
So the next time you drop a deuce, I want you to think of me!
What a legacy.
Because I invented the phrase.
I can't take full credit for it however. Meff, my partner in grammar-related crime, also had a hand in it. (Not literally. That was Doug Wall. But that's another story. See my other blog for the details.)
Back in the early-1990's, Meff and I began to refer to certain things with our own terms. We would often borrow lines from movies or whatever. For instance, a woman was simply refered to as a "hello." But it wasn't just any hello. You had to say it in a lecherous voice - sort of like Lenny & Squiggy did in Laverne & Shirley. I know what you're asking now. What were men called. Well... we simply referred to them as "pumpernickles." Yes, there is an original for that phrase. But don't ask. I could tell you. But there really is no coherent explanation to it. So why bother.
Ever heard of the word "loud?" Of course. But we didn't use it. Instead, we replaced the short word "loud" with a much longer phrase: "Ranken's mother's fart hole." In other words, if we were to walk into a loud bar or something, we might say, "Wow. It's like Ranken's mother's fart hole in here!"
Again, don't ask. Hell, I'll bet Meff can't even recall where that one came from.
We used the word "khan" for a variety of purposes. But overall, it usually referred to something being affirmative. "Should we get a pizza?" "Mmm... khan!"
I can't even tell you where that one originated.
But anyway, we also used terms to describe our toilet-related bodily functions. We expanded on the classics #1 and #2. For peeing, we simply used the word "solo." So if we had to go to the bathroom, we might say, "I got a solo brewing." If we wanted to state our intentions without using a full sentence, we would just utter the phrase, "solo." But you couldn't just say the word. You had to say it in a low, monotone voice - like Jabba The Hutt did in Return Of The Jedi, when he pointed out Han Solo (Solo!) hanging in his chamber, frozen in carbonite.
As for the act of defecation, I coined the phrase "deuce." Meff immediately approved. I believe the confirmation took place in my parent's TV room in their 9th St. home in Manitowoc, back around 1990 or 1991. Over the years we would often say things like, "I've got a deuce brewing" or I gotta drop a deuce." And then of course there was the dreaded "creamy deuce."
At some point, a year or two later perhaps, both of us were sort of getting into the band Kiss. We'd each purchased the Kiss greatest hits CD, "Double Platinum." One of the songs on the album is called "Deuce." It's from 1974 or something. The last line of the chorus is, "He's worth a deuce." What that means is a mystery to me. But Meff and I surmised that it fit perfectly with our own meaning of the word. You know how people sometimes say things like, "He ain't worth shit!" Well, in the context of the song, the character who was "worth a deuce" was also a hard-working man. Therefore, this guy was "worth shit" - the opposite of "ain't worth shit." Makes sense, huh? Well it did to us!
We used that phrase for years and years. While some of our other bizarre terms may have died off, this particular one stuck.
Then one night in the summer of 2000, my wife and I were watching the very first season of Survivor. There was a contestant named Sean Kenniff. He finished fifth. But a few weeks into the show, he commented into the camera, something to the effect of, "I haven't dropped a deuce since I got here."
I stood up from the couch and screamed! That's my term! I was shocked. I immediately called Meff and told him about it.
Since that time, the term deuce has now found its way into the American language. I still get a bit bothered everytime I hear it. But I guess I should be proud. I gave birth to a new catch phrase! And I give credit where credit is due. Meff contributed as well. Without his approval, there would be no deuce today!
Earlier today, I spent some time exploring the origins of the phrase "deuce" - as it applies to shit. Most of the entries I discovered were found in online urban dictionaries. Most of them were from the early 2000's. However, I did find one earlier reference from November, 1999. But still, that's a good eight or nine years after Meff and I coined the phrase.
I will admit that there could very well be other people out there who may have coined the same phrase on their own. So be it. But that doesn't change the fact that Meff and I also coined the phrase on our own - a phrase that neither of us had ever heard uttered before. And now, 16 or 17 years later, that term is fully engrossed in our pop culture.
So the next time you drop a deuce, I want you to think of me!
What a legacy.
Monday, April 16, 2007
RUBIN & ED
"It's gonna get weird now, isn't it?"
Every once in awhile, you see a film that defies description - a film that makes you shake your head and say, "Who came up with this idea? And how in the hell did they get funding for it?"
And sometimes that film is brilliant!
Last night my wife and I revisited the film "Rubin & Ed." It's from 1991 and stars Crispin Glover and Howard Hesseman.
But let's backtrack a little bit. Back around 1987 or so, the wacky Crispin Glover made one of the strangest appearances ever on Late Night With David Letterman. He appeared intense and stoned. He was supposed to promote his new film, "The River's Edge" - an awesome film by the way! But instead... Well, thanks to the glory of Youtube, check it out for yourself. When Glover nearly kicked Dave in the face with his giant platform shoes, Letterman cut to commercial and ended the interview. A few years later, Glover came back on Letterman's show, and denied ever making this appearance.
Fast forward a few years later. Meff calls me up one day in utter excitement. He'd seen an ad in a video store magazine for a film that's about to be released on video. It starred Crispin Glover. And amazingly, Glover was dressed up in the bizarre costume (funky hair, bell bottom pants and platform shoes) that he'd worn on that infamous Letterman appearance. The plot of the film had something to do with a dead cat. I had to see this film!
So I convinced my boss to pony up the $70.00 to by this obscure title. I put it in upon arrival, and laughed my ass off. Here's the plot.
Ed Tuttle (Howard Hesseman) is a loser in life. He joines some sort of get-rich-quick marketing group that requires him to find a recruit to bring to the next meeting. Eventually he meets Rubin Farr (Crispin Glover) who reluctantly agrees to go along, provided Ed first come over to his apartment to meet his mother - who had taken Rubin's music away and had refused to give it back to him until Rubin made a friend and brought him home for dinner.
Did you follow that?
When Ed arrived to pick him up, Rubin informs him that he can't go because his mother isn't home yet. And Ed has to meet his mother first. So they wait a bit. Ed goes to get some ice out of the freezer, and discovers Rubin's frozen, dead cat Simon inside. Simon had died recently. And Rubin kept him in the freezer until he found the proper place to bury him. Ed offers to take Rubin to bury the cat - but only after they attend the meeting. So Rubin packs Simon in an iced cooler and leaves. But Rubin steals the keys and the car and literally kidnaps Ed. They end up in the desert, where the car conks out.
The rest of the film features the pair wandering through the desert in a vain effort to find the perfect place to bury the cat.
The pair eventually do get out of the desert. And Ed manages to drag Rubin to another meeting. Upon arrival, Rubin delcares himself to be the king of the echo people. (You have to watch it to understand.)
No amount of description can do this film justice. You just have to watch it. If you like quirky comedies, this film is pure genius. It features a neverending supply of quotable lines. "My cat can eat a whole watermelon!"
Oh, and Rubin is adept at flinging his platform shoes off his feet and using them as projectile weapons. I kid you not. Just watch the trailer below.
A few years ago, I was able to obtain a copy of the script, as well as my very own Rubin & Ed T-shirt. I got this stuff from the director himself.
If you want to find this on DVD, don't bother. It's never been released. Although you can order it from the director himself. You can also find bootleg DVD's on the internet. If you want an original VHS tape, they usually sell for around $100.00. I've got two of them myself.
The VHS box.
Rubin & Ed in the desert.
Something I found online.
Rubin declares himself the king of the echo people.
Better yet, watch it here.
Here's the trailer.
Every once in awhile, you see a film that defies description - a film that makes you shake your head and say, "Who came up with this idea? And how in the hell did they get funding for it?"
And sometimes that film is brilliant!
Last night my wife and I revisited the film "Rubin & Ed." It's from 1991 and stars Crispin Glover and Howard Hesseman.
But let's backtrack a little bit. Back around 1987 or so, the wacky Crispin Glover made one of the strangest appearances ever on Late Night With David Letterman. He appeared intense and stoned. He was supposed to promote his new film, "The River's Edge" - an awesome film by the way! But instead... Well, thanks to the glory of Youtube, check it out for yourself. When Glover nearly kicked Dave in the face with his giant platform shoes, Letterman cut to commercial and ended the interview. A few years later, Glover came back on Letterman's show, and denied ever making this appearance.
Fast forward a few years later. Meff calls me up one day in utter excitement. He'd seen an ad in a video store magazine for a film that's about to be released on video. It starred Crispin Glover. And amazingly, Glover was dressed up in the bizarre costume (funky hair, bell bottom pants and platform shoes) that he'd worn on that infamous Letterman appearance. The plot of the film had something to do with a dead cat. I had to see this film!
So I convinced my boss to pony up the $70.00 to by this obscure title. I put it in upon arrival, and laughed my ass off. Here's the plot.
Ed Tuttle (Howard Hesseman) is a loser in life. He joines some sort of get-rich-quick marketing group that requires him to find a recruit to bring to the next meeting. Eventually he meets Rubin Farr (Crispin Glover) who reluctantly agrees to go along, provided Ed first come over to his apartment to meet his mother - who had taken Rubin's music away and had refused to give it back to him until Rubin made a friend and brought him home for dinner.
Did you follow that?
When Ed arrived to pick him up, Rubin informs him that he can't go because his mother isn't home yet. And Ed has to meet his mother first. So they wait a bit. Ed goes to get some ice out of the freezer, and discovers Rubin's frozen, dead cat Simon inside. Simon had died recently. And Rubin kept him in the freezer until he found the proper place to bury him. Ed offers to take Rubin to bury the cat - but only after they attend the meeting. So Rubin packs Simon in an iced cooler and leaves. But Rubin steals the keys and the car and literally kidnaps Ed. They end up in the desert, where the car conks out.
The rest of the film features the pair wandering through the desert in a vain effort to find the perfect place to bury the cat.
The pair eventually do get out of the desert. And Ed manages to drag Rubin to another meeting. Upon arrival, Rubin delcares himself to be the king of the echo people. (You have to watch it to understand.)
No amount of description can do this film justice. You just have to watch it. If you like quirky comedies, this film is pure genius. It features a neverending supply of quotable lines. "My cat can eat a whole watermelon!"
Oh, and Rubin is adept at flinging his platform shoes off his feet and using them as projectile weapons. I kid you not. Just watch the trailer below.
A few years ago, I was able to obtain a copy of the script, as well as my very own Rubin & Ed T-shirt. I got this stuff from the director himself.
If you want to find this on DVD, don't bother. It's never been released. Although you can order it from the director himself. You can also find bootleg DVD's on the internet. If you want an original VHS tape, they usually sell for around $100.00. I've got two of them myself.
The VHS box.
Rubin & Ed in the desert.
Something I found online.
Rubin declares himself the king of the echo people.
Better yet, watch it here.
Here's the trailer.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
OBSERVATIONS
So last night I found myself in my kids' bed, while my lovely wife read a short story - "Rumplestiltsken." Our four-year-old listens intently to anything read to her. While she does that, our two-year-old generally swings like a monkey from the bars of the bed. Oh well.
Anyway, after the story had been read, I said, "Rumplestiltsken - that's an odd name." At that point, our eldest whispered in my ear, "It's a dumb name." That made me laugh.
Speaking of my eldest, last night I was watchng part of the American Idol results show, when she wandered in. She heard the host say the name, "Sanjaya." At that point, she said, "Oh! Vote for Sanjaya!" I'm so proud.
I was recently reminded of William Howard Taft - one of our U.S. Presidents. Do you think his ears are ringing? Anyway, I once climbed on top of his gravestone. I'd bet money none of my readers no another person who has done that! Anyway, if I'm not mistaken, every single past U.S. President has been buried intact. Not one has been cremated. Why is that? Isn't that a bit odd?
Maybe we could cremate George W. Bush right now.
Anyway, after the story had been read, I said, "Rumplestiltsken - that's an odd name." At that point, our eldest whispered in my ear, "It's a dumb name." That made me laugh.
Speaking of my eldest, last night I was watchng part of the American Idol results show, when she wandered in. She heard the host say the name, "Sanjaya." At that point, she said, "Oh! Vote for Sanjaya!" I'm so proud.
I was recently reminded of William Howard Taft - one of our U.S. Presidents. Do you think his ears are ringing? Anyway, I once climbed on top of his gravestone. I'd bet money none of my readers no another person who has done that! Anyway, if I'm not mistaken, every single past U.S. President has been buried intact. Not one has been cremated. Why is that? Isn't that a bit odd?
Maybe we could cremate George W. Bush right now.
Friday, March 30, 2007
LAUGH OF THE DAY
I must give thanks to my buddy Erin for sending this to me today. I laughed out loud.
SANJAYA
What image does that name bring to you? For those of you who watch American Idol, the answer is clear. Sanjaya is the name of one of the final 12 contestants on this year's show. He is also the weakest singer of the entire group. Sanjaya's name has been all over the news the past few weeks as well. Why?
Well, there's a website called VOTEFORTHEWORST.COM. It encourages people to vote for the worst singer each week. The goal is to simply mess with the contest. Does it work? Well, last year, the website latched onto a guy named Anthony Fedorov. Each week they promoted him, despite the fact that he was clearly the least-talented singer on the show. Fedorov ended up finishing in fourth place.
Well this season the website is back again. And now they have a new ally - Howard Stern. Howard Stern has jumped on the "Vote For Sanjaya" bandwagon. He's asked all of his listeners to follow suit. So how's he doing? In the last two weeks, Sanjaya hasn't even finished in the bottom three of the voting process. One of Stern's listeners even called in to say he had found a way to vote for Sanjaya 14,000 times. He intends to vote for Sanjaya between 50,000 and 100,000 times each week from here on out.
Well, yesterday Howard played various clips from entertainment shows and news shows that talked about the Sanjaya story. Even FOX News had an editorial about it. And across the board, these reporters say they're shocked and disgusted with what Howard is doing. "He's ruining the competition!" "He's making a mockery of the voting process!" "He's compromising the integrity of the show!"
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!
This is a fucking TV show people! This isn't important business. Whether or not Sanjaya wins will make no impact on the lives of American citizens. All of this amounts to absolutely nothing. Jesus people, get a grip. If Sanjaya wins, I assure you, life will go on. The world will not come to an end.
Some people say that by voting for Sanjaya, they're taking away an opportunity for a singer who is really talented. Wrong! The only way that would happen is if Sanjaya actually won the entire contest. At that point, he'd take away the title from the #2 finisher. But look, if people truly have singing talent, and are worthy of a recording contract, they will get one regardless of where they finish. Besides, finishing #2 has worked out pretty well for the likes of Clay Aiken and Bo Bice.
How does Sanjaya feel about it? He seems to be reveling in the attention. He's having a ball.
I don't vote for anyone. The show isn't important to me. If I'm around, and it's on, I might tune in. But if I miss it, I'm perfectly fine with it. But all that being said, next week, I'm voting for Sanjaya.
Well, there's a website called VOTEFORTHEWORST.COM. It encourages people to vote for the worst singer each week. The goal is to simply mess with the contest. Does it work? Well, last year, the website latched onto a guy named Anthony Fedorov. Each week they promoted him, despite the fact that he was clearly the least-talented singer on the show. Fedorov ended up finishing in fourth place.
Well this season the website is back again. And now they have a new ally - Howard Stern. Howard Stern has jumped on the "Vote For Sanjaya" bandwagon. He's asked all of his listeners to follow suit. So how's he doing? In the last two weeks, Sanjaya hasn't even finished in the bottom three of the voting process. One of Stern's listeners even called in to say he had found a way to vote for Sanjaya 14,000 times. He intends to vote for Sanjaya between 50,000 and 100,000 times each week from here on out.
Well, yesterday Howard played various clips from entertainment shows and news shows that talked about the Sanjaya story. Even FOX News had an editorial about it. And across the board, these reporters say they're shocked and disgusted with what Howard is doing. "He's ruining the competition!" "He's making a mockery of the voting process!" "He's compromising the integrity of the show!"
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!
This is a fucking TV show people! This isn't important business. Whether or not Sanjaya wins will make no impact on the lives of American citizens. All of this amounts to absolutely nothing. Jesus people, get a grip. If Sanjaya wins, I assure you, life will go on. The world will not come to an end.
Some people say that by voting for Sanjaya, they're taking away an opportunity for a singer who is really talented. Wrong! The only way that would happen is if Sanjaya actually won the entire contest. At that point, he'd take away the title from the #2 finisher. But look, if people truly have singing talent, and are worthy of a recording contract, they will get one regardless of where they finish. Besides, finishing #2 has worked out pretty well for the likes of Clay Aiken and Bo Bice.
How does Sanjaya feel about it? He seems to be reveling in the attention. He's having a ball.
I don't vote for anyone. The show isn't important to me. If I'm around, and it's on, I might tune in. But if I miss it, I'm perfectly fine with it. But all that being said, next week, I'm voting for Sanjaya.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
SIRIUS
As some of you may know, I've had Sirius Satellite Radio in my car for the past two years. It is really a cool item - like cable for your car! Anyway, since January, 2006, I've become a huge fan of the Howard Stern show. I love it!
Well yesterday, Howard took a call from a listener. The guy said that Sirius has the best customer service on the planet. He told how his radio somehow broke. So he called Sirius. And they sent him a brand new one for free. All he had to do was pay for the shipping.
Well, this past summer, we came back from a vacation. And my Sirius was on the floor of the car. It must have gotten too hot in the car, and the suction cup thingee fell off. Since that time, the Sirius hasn't worked 100%. It'll be fine for several minutes. Then it will suddenly lose the signal - only to have it come back again a few seconds later. It might cut in and out like that continually. Other times it will work with no problems whatsoever.
I replaced the antenna, thinking there was a short in it. That didn't work. Then I noticed that if I squeeze the receiver, the lost signal will suddenly come back. So clearly, there's a short inside of it somewhere. I didn't want to spring for a new one. So I've just been living with it.
Well after hearing that guy on the phone, I called myself. Sure shit, for only $7.95 shipping and handling, they're sending me a brand new receiver, antenna and suction cup thingee!
Sirius fricken' rocks! Their customer service sure beats that of Walmart and Verizon. (See my two previous posts).
Well yesterday, Howard took a call from a listener. The guy said that Sirius has the best customer service on the planet. He told how his radio somehow broke. So he called Sirius. And they sent him a brand new one for free. All he had to do was pay for the shipping.
Well, this past summer, we came back from a vacation. And my Sirius was on the floor of the car. It must have gotten too hot in the car, and the suction cup thingee fell off. Since that time, the Sirius hasn't worked 100%. It'll be fine for several minutes. Then it will suddenly lose the signal - only to have it come back again a few seconds later. It might cut in and out like that continually. Other times it will work with no problems whatsoever.
I replaced the antenna, thinking there was a short in it. That didn't work. Then I noticed that if I squeeze the receiver, the lost signal will suddenly come back. So clearly, there's a short inside of it somewhere. I didn't want to spring for a new one. So I've just been living with it.
Well after hearing that guy on the phone, I called myself. Sure shit, for only $7.95 shipping and handling, they're sending me a brand new receiver, antenna and suction cup thingee!
Sirius fricken' rocks! Their customer service sure beats that of Walmart and Verizon. (See my two previous posts).
Friday, March 16, 2007
WALMART
Inspired by Greg's blog about how much Walmart sucks, reminded me of an incident that happened to me a few years ago.
I was at my local Walmart purchasing season 4 of The Simpsons. While driving in the car, I ripped off the cellophane wrapping. When I got home, I went to add it to the DVD shelf. Oops! I'd already bought it! So now I had two of them. What to do? Simple enough. Just take it back.
Simple my ass!
I explained to the nice (snotty) girl at the service desk that I had bought it by mistake. I made up some sort of story about receiving it as a gift. But the girl wasn't having any of it. Since I'd opened the package, she refused to take it back under any circumstances. So I coyly asked her, "What if the DVD skips or something?" Then she said, "Yes, you could then exchange it."
So I devised a plan.
The next day, I took it back to the service desk. Thankfully a different woman was there. Actually, I had initially walked into the store to check on that first. Anyway, I told her that I'd just bought this, and that one of the DVD's skipped. She told me I could exchange it if I wanted to. I figured I'd get a new one, then return the new one (unopened) at a later date for a store credit.
So I gleefully walked to the electronics section and grabbed a new one. When I got back to the service desk, I was horrified to find that the girl from the day before was there. So I smugly said to her, "Would you believe there actually was a skip?" I think she was disgusted. Then she took the upper hand and handed me the new one - but not before ripping the cellophane off it yet again.
Denied!
Well, I can play this game forever. I decided to take it back the next day, claiming the same problem. At one point I thought I would go into the store at another time, and hide all of the season 4 Simpsons DVD's. If they didn't have a replacement, they'd have to give me a store credit, wouldn't they?
Well, the next day, the snotty girl wasn't working. So I returned the DVD to the woman at the service desk. She had me go get a replacement. And this time, the woman did not take off the cellophane wrapping. Woohoo!
A week later, we drove up to Manitowoc to spend the weekend with my parents. Earlier that day, I called the Walmart in Manitowoc and told them I'd received two Simpsons DVD's for my birthday. I asked if I could bring one of them in and exchange it for a store credit. They said I could, even though it had been purchased from a different Walmart. So that night, I got my store credit.
I won!
Now I had every intention of winning. It was the right thing to do. All I wanted was a store credit to begin with. Target will grant you that, no questions asked. But Walmart acted like a bitch. So I bitch-slapped them right back. Plus they now had to go through the bother of returning two seasons worth of DVD's for the alleged skipping problem.
Oh well. I sleep good at night.
I was at my local Walmart purchasing season 4 of The Simpsons. While driving in the car, I ripped off the cellophane wrapping. When I got home, I went to add it to the DVD shelf. Oops! I'd already bought it! So now I had two of them. What to do? Simple enough. Just take it back.
Simple my ass!
I explained to the nice (snotty) girl at the service desk that I had bought it by mistake. I made up some sort of story about receiving it as a gift. But the girl wasn't having any of it. Since I'd opened the package, she refused to take it back under any circumstances. So I coyly asked her, "What if the DVD skips or something?" Then she said, "Yes, you could then exchange it."
So I devised a plan.
The next day, I took it back to the service desk. Thankfully a different woman was there. Actually, I had initially walked into the store to check on that first. Anyway, I told her that I'd just bought this, and that one of the DVD's skipped. She told me I could exchange it if I wanted to. I figured I'd get a new one, then return the new one (unopened) at a later date for a store credit.
So I gleefully walked to the electronics section and grabbed a new one. When I got back to the service desk, I was horrified to find that the girl from the day before was there. So I smugly said to her, "Would you believe there actually was a skip?" I think she was disgusted. Then she took the upper hand and handed me the new one - but not before ripping the cellophane off it yet again.
Denied!
Well, I can play this game forever. I decided to take it back the next day, claiming the same problem. At one point I thought I would go into the store at another time, and hide all of the season 4 Simpsons DVD's. If they didn't have a replacement, they'd have to give me a store credit, wouldn't they?
Well, the next day, the snotty girl wasn't working. So I returned the DVD to the woman at the service desk. She had me go get a replacement. And this time, the woman did not take off the cellophane wrapping. Woohoo!
A week later, we drove up to Manitowoc to spend the weekend with my parents. Earlier that day, I called the Walmart in Manitowoc and told them I'd received two Simpsons DVD's for my birthday. I asked if I could bring one of them in and exchange it for a store credit. They said I could, even though it had been purchased from a different Walmart. So that night, I got my store credit.
I won!
Now I had every intention of winning. It was the right thing to do. All I wanted was a store credit to begin with. Target will grant you that, no questions asked. But Walmart acted like a bitch. So I bitch-slapped them right back. Plus they now had to go through the bother of returning two seasons worth of DVD's for the alleged skipping problem.
Oh well. I sleep good at night.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
A CHANCE MEETING?
A few weeks back, there was a discussion about soulmates. I think it was on muscular Officer Brad's blog. Anyway, it got me thinking a step firther beyond my thoughts on the prospect of soulmates.
I don't know if I have a question here. But I just have some thoughts. I'd like to know about how people met their spouse. Now granted, there are some people who grew up near their spouse, or went to school with them. It happens all the time. But I'm quite sure that repersents only a small percentage of married couples. I'm assuming that most people meet their future spouse when they were adults - be it in a bar, in college, or whatever.
In my own situation, I met my wife online. It was Saturday, March 28, 1998. It was 7:00 P.M. That night, I had plans to go to a strip joint - "On The Border" in Milwaukee. At 8:00, Meff's roommate (The Frogman) was coming by to pick me up. We were then going to drive to Meff's video store and pick him up.
So anyway, I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed. I decided to go online to check my E-mail. Now at that time, AOL had some sort of "penpal" thing going on - which was more-or-less like a personals section. I had written to women in there, and had met some as well. I decided to check that section again. Now, AOL also would show a little icon next to those people who happened to be online at that exact moment as well. Since I only had an hour, I didn't feel like writing to anyone. But I figured I'd send an instant message to someone who I found interesting - assuming of course that they were online.
Well, I found someone who happened to be online. So I IM'ed her. This woman would later be my wife. But at the moment, I was a random IM to her. We ended up chatting for about 50 minutes. Meanwhile, I still had to get dressed and find something fast to eat. At the end of that 50 minutes, she asked if I wanted to see her picture. Of course I said yes. So she sent it. I liked what I saw. But then I informed her that I had to run, as someone was picking me up in 10 minutes, and I hadn't dressed or eaten yet. She of course took this to mean I was unimpressed with her photo and was brushing her off. I don't remember what she said. But it was dripping with some "yeah right" sarcasm. I told her she was completely off base, and that I really had to go. I also told her I'd E-mail her back that night, when I got home. I think she believed me for the most part, but wasn't 100% convinced.
Anyway, I did E-mail her back at about 2:00 in the morning or so. And the next day we spoke on the phone. She wanted to come over that night. I was too nervous. So I held her off for a week. But she ended up coming over to my apartment on Sunday April 5th. A few months later we were engaged.
My life with her couldn't be any better than it is. But it made me think about the "what ifs." What if I had decided to watch COPS that night, instead of checking my E-mail? What if she hadn't been online when I went online? If either of those things hadn't occurred, where would my life be today? Would I be single? Would I be married to someone else? Would I live in Wisconsin? Would I have gone out with some pyscho chick who would castrate me while I sleep, and feed my privates to her dog? Maybe I would have met my same future wife three months later.
Who knows...
It just seems weird that the events happened as they did. It's like everything had to come together perfectly for it to happen. One deviation, and the course of life would be altered forever. Am I the only one who had a potential "close call?"
I don't know if I have a question here. But I just have some thoughts. I'd like to know about how people met their spouse. Now granted, there are some people who grew up near their spouse, or went to school with them. It happens all the time. But I'm quite sure that repersents only a small percentage of married couples. I'm assuming that most people meet their future spouse when they were adults - be it in a bar, in college, or whatever.
In my own situation, I met my wife online. It was Saturday, March 28, 1998. It was 7:00 P.M. That night, I had plans to go to a strip joint - "On The Border" in Milwaukee. At 8:00, Meff's roommate (The Frogman) was coming by to pick me up. We were then going to drive to Meff's video store and pick him up.
So anyway, I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed. I decided to go online to check my E-mail. Now at that time, AOL had some sort of "penpal" thing going on - which was more-or-less like a personals section. I had written to women in there, and had met some as well. I decided to check that section again. Now, AOL also would show a little icon next to those people who happened to be online at that exact moment as well. Since I only had an hour, I didn't feel like writing to anyone. But I figured I'd send an instant message to someone who I found interesting - assuming of course that they were online.
Well, I found someone who happened to be online. So I IM'ed her. This woman would later be my wife. But at the moment, I was a random IM to her. We ended up chatting for about 50 minutes. Meanwhile, I still had to get dressed and find something fast to eat. At the end of that 50 minutes, she asked if I wanted to see her picture. Of course I said yes. So she sent it. I liked what I saw. But then I informed her that I had to run, as someone was picking me up in 10 minutes, and I hadn't dressed or eaten yet. She of course took this to mean I was unimpressed with her photo and was brushing her off. I don't remember what she said. But it was dripping with some "yeah right" sarcasm. I told her she was completely off base, and that I really had to go. I also told her I'd E-mail her back that night, when I got home. I think she believed me for the most part, but wasn't 100% convinced.
Anyway, I did E-mail her back at about 2:00 in the morning or so. And the next day we spoke on the phone. She wanted to come over that night. I was too nervous. So I held her off for a week. But she ended up coming over to my apartment on Sunday April 5th. A few months later we were engaged.
My life with her couldn't be any better than it is. But it made me think about the "what ifs." What if I had decided to watch COPS that night, instead of checking my E-mail? What if she hadn't been online when I went online? If either of those things hadn't occurred, where would my life be today? Would I be single? Would I be married to someone else? Would I live in Wisconsin? Would I have gone out with some pyscho chick who would castrate me while I sleep, and feed my privates to her dog? Maybe I would have met my same future wife three months later.
Who knows...
It just seems weird that the events happened as they did. It's like everything had to come together perfectly for it to happen. One deviation, and the course of life would be altered forever. Am I the only one who had a potential "close call?"
Friday, March 02, 2007
VERIZON SUCKS!
Below is a copy of the complaint letter that I sent to Verizon today. I sent it to eight different Verizon corporate addresses. Is my anger justified?
***********************************
March 2, 2007
Dear Verizon,
My name is Brother Walrus. My account number is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I had two land-line phone numbers with you – 1-XXX-XXX-9999 and 1-XXX-XXX-2193. Our DSL service was attached to the “2193” number.
On Monday February 19, 2007, I called Verizon. My wife and I decided to disconnect the “2193” line. So I called to do just that. I informed the Verizon employee that my DSL service was connected to the “2193” number, and that we would need that to be connected to the “9999” number instead. He assured me that could be done. He also informed me that a service technician would not have to come out to our house, as everything could be done internally. I confirmed with him several times that we would not have ANY interruption with our DSL service. He assured me that we would not. He even said it would be a “seamless transition.” Again, I confirmed this with him several times. I believe the order number was L2165266. He told me that the process would take 5-7 days.
Later that week, I lifted up the phone on the “2193” number and found that there was no dial tone. I thought it was odd that the “9999” number wasn’t providing a dial tone. But regardless, the 5-7 day timeframe hadn’t passed yet. So I assumed Verizon was simply in the process of doing what they needed to do.
Then on Monday, February 26, 2007, my wife called to inform me that the DSL service was down. So I called Verizon to find out what was going on. I was then informed that I had placed some sort of “move order” and that the DSL service was in fact disconnected. I was then placed on hold several times and transferred from one person to the next. Eventually I spoke with a woman who informed me that it would be impossible to do the switch internally, as the “2193” phone jack would need to be rewired for the “9999” number. Needless to say, I was very angry. This is NOT what the Verizon employee told me when I placed the order on February 19th. I was assured time and again that there would be no interruption.
I ended up being on the phone for a little over an hour. I was demanding that somebody do something to fix the situation. I was told that it was too late, and that there was nothing that anyone can do, other than schedule a phone jack rewiring and a reconnect of the DSL service. I asked if they could reverse the order. I was told no. I asked if they could expedite the order. Again, I was told no. The best they could do was start the process again. I was told that the DSL would be restored by March 12, 2007. So I went ahead and scheduled the DSL to be hooked back up. I also scheduled a technician to come out and rewire the phone jack. In regards to the rewiring, I was given two options. I could either have someone come out on Thursday, March 1, 2007 between 8:00 AM and 8:00 PM. Or I could choose Friday, March 2, 2007 between 8:00 AM and 12:00 PM. Obviously I went with the Friday choice, as a four-hour window is far better than a 12-hour window. I was told that there would be no charge for the rewiring, as I have some sort of “line maintenance” option on the phone. As I was still angry, I asked to speak to a supervisor. I was told that none were available, but that one would call me back within 24 hours.
The next 24 hours passed with no call from a Verizon supervisor. So I took the initiative to call them back myself. In the course of the phone call, I was once again transferred from one person to the next. At one point, I was on hold for a total of 40 minutes! In the end, the entire phone call lasted over 2.5 hours. During that time period, I estimate that I was on hold for about two hours and 20 minutes.
I did eventually speak to a supervisor. The supervisor apologized several times, but reiterated that there was nothing he could do to fix the situation immediately. In frustration I told him I wanted to disconnect everything. He said ok, and transferred me to somebody else.
The next woman I spoke with asked me why I was canceling everything. I told her my story, and said unless she can do something, I wanted to terminate all my services. She gave me the same story, while apologizing. Finally I asked her if I could get some sort of compensation for all the trouble. She then said she could do a one-time credit of $29.99 for all the trouble Verizon had caused. It’s a bit mind-boggling that I had to ask for it myself, as opposed to it being offered to me. But nonetheless, based on the compensation, I accepted the offer. I once again confirmed with her that the technician would be coming out on Friday March 2, 2007 between 8:00 AM and 12:00 PM. I also confirmed that the DSL would be hooked up by March 12, 2007. She confirmed both dates. She also mentioned that the DSL could be back up a few days prior to March 12th. I believe the order number (perhaps credit number) was CICNO 48017283.
My wife rearranged her schedule so she could be home on March 2, 2007 for the technician. Unfortunately, no one ever showed up. So once again, I was on the phone with Verizon. This time I got a recording that said something to the effect of “my wait time may be longer than expected, due to heavy call volume.” (Big surprise.) When I got to speak to someone, the woman informed me that there was no technician scheduled for March 2nd. Instead, she showed that the technician was scheduled for Tuesday, March 6, 2007 between 1:00 PM and 5:00 PM! First of all, this is NOT the appointment I made. Second, I would never schedule an appointment for that time, as my daughter has her dance class during that timeframe.
What is going on here??? How can one company make one mistake after another?
Again, I was shuffled from one department to another. I believe I spoke with five different people. During my conversation with the fourth person, she looked through her system and did confirm that there was a technician scheduled to come out on March 2nd. But she also showed that a technician was scheduled to come out on March 6th. She couldn’t provide me any explanation as to what happened. So she did what everybody else had done – she put me on hold and transferred me to another department.
I ended up speaking with a man who apologized to me, but said his system showed nothing scheduled for March 2nd. I told him that the woman who transferred me to him DID show the original appointment scheduled for March 2nd. He literally said to me, “I wish I knew who that person was.” I then asked him to tell me who made the appointment for Tuesday March 6th. Because I certainly didn’t! He told me his computer didn’t show that information. If it did, I would be including that person’s name in this letter. If Tuesday March 6th wouldn’t work for me (which it didn’t) the best he could do was reschedule for Monday, March 12, 2007! Anyway, the man told me he would try to expedite the order to see if someone could come out on the afternoon of March 2nd. I asked him if someone would call me back one way or the other to let me know. He assured me that someone would. I can’t begin to tell you how thrilled my wife was at the prospect of having her entire day compromised, instead of just the morning. The entire phone call with Verizon lasted over an hour.
True to his word, someone from Verizon called me back about an hour later. The woman informed me that there was simply no way someone could come out on March 2nd. However, she did say that they would get someone out on Monday March 5, 2007 between 1:00 PM and 5:00 PM. As a courtesy, she provided a $25.00 credit for the inconvenience.
As I’m writing this, my anger with Verizon is intense. At the very least, we are without internet service for two weeks. Assuming it does get reinstated on March 12th, I fully anticipate having to contact Verizon to adjust my bill, as I’m fairly certain there will be no credit for the missed time.
What I can’t understand is how a legitimate company like Verizon could possibly make so many mistakes. I know you record all conversations for “quality assurance.” I would really like someone to go back and listen to my calls – especially the initial one on February 19th. His “seamless transition” has turned into two weeks of hell and five hours on the phone with Verizon – of which 4.5 hours of the time was spent on hold!
This disruption has affected two of the three online businesses that my wife and I run. It’s hard to run an online business when you can’t get online! And why is it that when we wanted to sign up with Verizon, there was virtually no wait time. Yet when we have a problem, we’re on hold forever? Your wait times are intolerable! Your process of transferring people between one department and another is also intolerable. As a consumer, I expect a lot more from my phone company. This entire episode has given us thoughts about dumping Verizon altogether.
I would love to have a reply to my concerns.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled Walrus
*************************************************************
UPDATE - 3/16/07 - Well, as you know, Verizon was scheduled to come out to my house Monday March 5, 2007 between 1:00 P.M. and 5:00 P.M. But did they actually show up? Of course not! Yes, believe it or not, nobody came. How mad was I? Well, around 5:20, I got on the phone yet again. After waiting perhaps 30 minutes, I finally reached a human being. When I inquired as to why nobody showed up, I was told, "Our technicians are running a little bit behind today. So we might not be able to get someone out to your home until March 12th.
Excuse me... what??? They're running "a little behind" so it may take another week? Does this make the slightest bit of sense to anyone? I couldn't take anymore. I immediately asked to speak with a supervisor. A few minutes later, I was greeted by Kelly. Needless to say, Kelly got an earful! I was angry. I didn't yell and scream. But I was loud! I think I almost had Kelly in tears. She apologized up and down and said she would "try" to expedite it (again) and get someone out on Tuesday. When I asked for further compensation, she denied me, saying I was only allowed one such credit.
So here we are. My wife had now altered her schedule to stay home all day on two different days - for no reason whatsoever.
On Tuesday, I received a phone call from the technician! She said she was on her way, and would be out to my house in 15 minutes. In the distance, I swear I heard the angels singing "Hallelujah." She asked about what she would be doing. When I told her, she said, "Oh, no one needs to be home for that. I can do all that from the outside."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuckin' Verizon...
On Wednesday, the day after the technician showed up, the DSL magically came back on. However, it was running a little slower than usual. I called Verizon to complain. And they told me that because the DSL wasn't scheduled to be turned on until March 12th, they would be unable to troubleshoot with me until that day. The guy surmised that I was probably picking up someone else's signal in the neighborhood. Yeah... right. Oh, and I did have to have them adjust my bill, as I had been charged for continuous DSL service since February 19th, the day it was shut off.
On Wednesday March 14th, I received a phone call from Jennifer at some corporate office in Ohio. They had gotten one of my letters! Jennifer's number is 1-888-821-8377. She again apologized on behalf of the company. She said, "We do not like to hear about things like this." Jennifer was very nice. I updated her on my continuing problems. I asked her if my anger was justified. She said, "Yes." At one point she asked me if there was anything they could do. So I told her some sort of compensation would be nice. Eventually she credited our account an additional $120.00 for all the trouble. So in the end, our total credits for this fiasco was $175.00. Not bad. But I'm not sure it was worth it.
Oh, the DSL connection is still slower than it used to be.
******************************************************************************
UPDATE - 3/16/07 - As it turns out, I am not alone in my disgust with Verizon. Check this guy out. Here's a check he wrote to Verizon a few months ago. Below that is a Youtube recording of a phone call he made to Verizon. I love it!
***********************************
March 2, 2007
Dear Verizon,
My name is Brother Walrus. My account number is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I had two land-line phone numbers with you – 1-XXX-XXX-9999 and 1-XXX-XXX-2193. Our DSL service was attached to the “2193” number.
On Monday February 19, 2007, I called Verizon. My wife and I decided to disconnect the “2193” line. So I called to do just that. I informed the Verizon employee that my DSL service was connected to the “2193” number, and that we would need that to be connected to the “9999” number instead. He assured me that could be done. He also informed me that a service technician would not have to come out to our house, as everything could be done internally. I confirmed with him several times that we would not have ANY interruption with our DSL service. He assured me that we would not. He even said it would be a “seamless transition.” Again, I confirmed this with him several times. I believe the order number was L2165266. He told me that the process would take 5-7 days.
Later that week, I lifted up the phone on the “2193” number and found that there was no dial tone. I thought it was odd that the “9999” number wasn’t providing a dial tone. But regardless, the 5-7 day timeframe hadn’t passed yet. So I assumed Verizon was simply in the process of doing what they needed to do.
Then on Monday, February 26, 2007, my wife called to inform me that the DSL service was down. So I called Verizon to find out what was going on. I was then informed that I had placed some sort of “move order” and that the DSL service was in fact disconnected. I was then placed on hold several times and transferred from one person to the next. Eventually I spoke with a woman who informed me that it would be impossible to do the switch internally, as the “2193” phone jack would need to be rewired for the “9999” number. Needless to say, I was very angry. This is NOT what the Verizon employee told me when I placed the order on February 19th. I was assured time and again that there would be no interruption.
I ended up being on the phone for a little over an hour. I was demanding that somebody do something to fix the situation. I was told that it was too late, and that there was nothing that anyone can do, other than schedule a phone jack rewiring and a reconnect of the DSL service. I asked if they could reverse the order. I was told no. I asked if they could expedite the order. Again, I was told no. The best they could do was start the process again. I was told that the DSL would be restored by March 12, 2007. So I went ahead and scheduled the DSL to be hooked back up. I also scheduled a technician to come out and rewire the phone jack. In regards to the rewiring, I was given two options. I could either have someone come out on Thursday, March 1, 2007 between 8:00 AM and 8:00 PM. Or I could choose Friday, March 2, 2007 between 8:00 AM and 12:00 PM. Obviously I went with the Friday choice, as a four-hour window is far better than a 12-hour window. I was told that there would be no charge for the rewiring, as I have some sort of “line maintenance” option on the phone. As I was still angry, I asked to speak to a supervisor. I was told that none were available, but that one would call me back within 24 hours.
The next 24 hours passed with no call from a Verizon supervisor. So I took the initiative to call them back myself. In the course of the phone call, I was once again transferred from one person to the next. At one point, I was on hold for a total of 40 minutes! In the end, the entire phone call lasted over 2.5 hours. During that time period, I estimate that I was on hold for about two hours and 20 minutes.
I did eventually speak to a supervisor. The supervisor apologized several times, but reiterated that there was nothing he could do to fix the situation immediately. In frustration I told him I wanted to disconnect everything. He said ok, and transferred me to somebody else.
The next woman I spoke with asked me why I was canceling everything. I told her my story, and said unless she can do something, I wanted to terminate all my services. She gave me the same story, while apologizing. Finally I asked her if I could get some sort of compensation for all the trouble. She then said she could do a one-time credit of $29.99 for all the trouble Verizon had caused. It’s a bit mind-boggling that I had to ask for it myself, as opposed to it being offered to me. But nonetheless, based on the compensation, I accepted the offer. I once again confirmed with her that the technician would be coming out on Friday March 2, 2007 between 8:00 AM and 12:00 PM. I also confirmed that the DSL would be hooked up by March 12, 2007. She confirmed both dates. She also mentioned that the DSL could be back up a few days prior to March 12th. I believe the order number (perhaps credit number) was CICNO 48017283.
My wife rearranged her schedule so she could be home on March 2, 2007 for the technician. Unfortunately, no one ever showed up. So once again, I was on the phone with Verizon. This time I got a recording that said something to the effect of “my wait time may be longer than expected, due to heavy call volume.” (Big surprise.) When I got to speak to someone, the woman informed me that there was no technician scheduled for March 2nd. Instead, she showed that the technician was scheduled for Tuesday, March 6, 2007 between 1:00 PM and 5:00 PM! First of all, this is NOT the appointment I made. Second, I would never schedule an appointment for that time, as my daughter has her dance class during that timeframe.
What is going on here??? How can one company make one mistake after another?
Again, I was shuffled from one department to another. I believe I spoke with five different people. During my conversation with the fourth person, she looked through her system and did confirm that there was a technician scheduled to come out on March 2nd. But she also showed that a technician was scheduled to come out on March 6th. She couldn’t provide me any explanation as to what happened. So she did what everybody else had done – she put me on hold and transferred me to another department.
I ended up speaking with a man who apologized to me, but said his system showed nothing scheduled for March 2nd. I told him that the woman who transferred me to him DID show the original appointment scheduled for March 2nd. He literally said to me, “I wish I knew who that person was.” I then asked him to tell me who made the appointment for Tuesday March 6th. Because I certainly didn’t! He told me his computer didn’t show that information. If it did, I would be including that person’s name in this letter. If Tuesday March 6th wouldn’t work for me (which it didn’t) the best he could do was reschedule for Monday, March 12, 2007! Anyway, the man told me he would try to expedite the order to see if someone could come out on the afternoon of March 2nd. I asked him if someone would call me back one way or the other to let me know. He assured me that someone would. I can’t begin to tell you how thrilled my wife was at the prospect of having her entire day compromised, instead of just the morning. The entire phone call with Verizon lasted over an hour.
True to his word, someone from Verizon called me back about an hour later. The woman informed me that there was simply no way someone could come out on March 2nd. However, she did say that they would get someone out on Monday March 5, 2007 between 1:00 PM and 5:00 PM. As a courtesy, she provided a $25.00 credit for the inconvenience.
As I’m writing this, my anger with Verizon is intense. At the very least, we are without internet service for two weeks. Assuming it does get reinstated on March 12th, I fully anticipate having to contact Verizon to adjust my bill, as I’m fairly certain there will be no credit for the missed time.
What I can’t understand is how a legitimate company like Verizon could possibly make so many mistakes. I know you record all conversations for “quality assurance.” I would really like someone to go back and listen to my calls – especially the initial one on February 19th. His “seamless transition” has turned into two weeks of hell and five hours on the phone with Verizon – of which 4.5 hours of the time was spent on hold!
This disruption has affected two of the three online businesses that my wife and I run. It’s hard to run an online business when you can’t get online! And why is it that when we wanted to sign up with Verizon, there was virtually no wait time. Yet when we have a problem, we’re on hold forever? Your wait times are intolerable! Your process of transferring people between one department and another is also intolerable. As a consumer, I expect a lot more from my phone company. This entire episode has given us thoughts about dumping Verizon altogether.
I would love to have a reply to my concerns.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled Walrus
*************************************************************
UPDATE - 3/16/07 - Well, as you know, Verizon was scheduled to come out to my house Monday March 5, 2007 between 1:00 P.M. and 5:00 P.M. But did they actually show up? Of course not! Yes, believe it or not, nobody came. How mad was I? Well, around 5:20, I got on the phone yet again. After waiting perhaps 30 minutes, I finally reached a human being. When I inquired as to why nobody showed up, I was told, "Our technicians are running a little bit behind today. So we might not be able to get someone out to your home until March 12th.
Excuse me... what??? They're running "a little behind" so it may take another week? Does this make the slightest bit of sense to anyone? I couldn't take anymore. I immediately asked to speak with a supervisor. A few minutes later, I was greeted by Kelly. Needless to say, Kelly got an earful! I was angry. I didn't yell and scream. But I was loud! I think I almost had Kelly in tears. She apologized up and down and said she would "try" to expedite it (again) and get someone out on Tuesday. When I asked for further compensation, she denied me, saying I was only allowed one such credit.
So here we are. My wife had now altered her schedule to stay home all day on two different days - for no reason whatsoever.
On Tuesday, I received a phone call from the technician! She said she was on her way, and would be out to my house in 15 minutes. In the distance, I swear I heard the angels singing "Hallelujah." She asked about what she would be doing. When I told her, she said, "Oh, no one needs to be home for that. I can do all that from the outside."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuckin' Verizon...
On Wednesday, the day after the technician showed up, the DSL magically came back on. However, it was running a little slower than usual. I called Verizon to complain. And they told me that because the DSL wasn't scheduled to be turned on until March 12th, they would be unable to troubleshoot with me until that day. The guy surmised that I was probably picking up someone else's signal in the neighborhood. Yeah... right. Oh, and I did have to have them adjust my bill, as I had been charged for continuous DSL service since February 19th, the day it was shut off.
On Wednesday March 14th, I received a phone call from Jennifer at some corporate office in Ohio. They had gotten one of my letters! Jennifer's number is 1-888-821-8377. She again apologized on behalf of the company. She said, "We do not like to hear about things like this." Jennifer was very nice. I updated her on my continuing problems. I asked her if my anger was justified. She said, "Yes." At one point she asked me if there was anything they could do. So I told her some sort of compensation would be nice. Eventually she credited our account an additional $120.00 for all the trouble. So in the end, our total credits for this fiasco was $175.00. Not bad. But I'm not sure it was worth it.
Oh, the DSL connection is still slower than it used to be.
******************************************************************************
UPDATE - 3/16/07 - As it turns out, I am not alone in my disgust with Verizon. Check this guy out. Here's a check he wrote to Verizon a few months ago. Below that is a Youtube recording of a phone call he made to Verizon. I love it!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
SUNDAY AFTERNOON
Cost of hosting a Passion Party: $0
Snacks for your guests: $20
One tub of mint Tasty Tease: $8.50
What your wife will agree to w/ Tasty Tease: PRICELESS!!
(Note: This post was written BY the above-mentioned wife.)
Snacks for your guests: $20
One tub of mint Tasty Tease: $8.50
What your wife will agree to w/ Tasty Tease: PRICELESS!!
(Note: This post was written BY the above-mentioned wife.)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
WHAT DO MEN FEAR?
I found a list of the top-15 things that men are allegedly afraid of. I've often described myself as an atypical male. I don't drink beer. I don't know anything about tools. And I know nothing about cars. So let's see if the trend continues.
#1 Public humiliation: Well sure, who wants this? I'm not sure this is a fear of mine. But it is something I'd like to avoid at all costs.
#2 Not seeing his kids grow up: Again, I don't fear it. But I certainly want to experience this.
#3 Tofurky: I'm guessing this was a joke entry. But if it tastes good, I'll eat it. If it tastes like shit, I won't.
#4 Getting naked: If I could be naked all the time, I would. I have no fear of nudity. I'm not real modest. And if someone wants to see the goods, just ask. When a female's been involved, it's a two-way street the first time. And she's probably a lot more concerned about her vanity than I am with mine. And once the action starts, it's all good anyway.
#5 Beautiful women: I must admit, even though I have nothing to gain, and I'm seeking nothing in return, I still have a tendency to get a little flustered. But I won't shy away from them. If anything, I'll try to get a little closer.
#6 Living paycheck to paycheck: One of life's cruel jokes. Most everyone is in this boat - save for some elite republicans.
#7 Not being a god to his kids: I'm "daddy." That's good enough.
#8 Being a lousy lover: Well, I've had no complaints, save for the one time I was sick and loopy on cold medicine. And no, that was not my wife. When all parties end satisfied, what more can you ask?
#9 Her tears: They are rare. I didn't marry a fragile tulip. There's nothing to fear here.
#10 His dad's death: Well, that would certainly suck. I guess there's a small fear for the inevitable. But it's not pending. So all is well.
#11 Speedos: I don't need to share the outline of my package to the world. If you want a peek, just ask. Speedos also kill sperm. It's true.
#12 Super Nanny: I've seen the show once. I have no desire to see it again. But if I catch a bit of it, so be it.
#13 Rejection: This one may be true. I've always struggled with rejection. Because of it, I've often avoided situations that could lead to it. Sometimes I'm amazed I ever got laid, let alone married. This fear has subsided with the passage of time. But it still exists.
#14 Getting caught noticing another woman: The beauty of sunglasses. You can gawk and not be noticed. Am I concerned if my wife sees me looking though? Hardly! She could pretty much care less. The most I'd ever get is an eye roll, after I gaze upon some other lovely creature and make some sort of gutteral "mmm-mmm." Jimmy Carter once said in an interview that he lusted after several women outside of his marriage. I think that's normal. Kudos to him for admitting it. But thinking it and acting on it are too vastly different things.
#15 Hair in the drain: My hair is so short as it is. If any were to hit the bottom of the shower, they'd be washed away. Amazingly, I still have my hair. At this point, I've no fear of losing it.
So there you have it. Once again, it appears as if I'm abnormal. Oh well. I'm happy that way.
#1 Public humiliation: Well sure, who wants this? I'm not sure this is a fear of mine. But it is something I'd like to avoid at all costs.
#2 Not seeing his kids grow up: Again, I don't fear it. But I certainly want to experience this.
#3 Tofurky: I'm guessing this was a joke entry. But if it tastes good, I'll eat it. If it tastes like shit, I won't.
#4 Getting naked: If I could be naked all the time, I would. I have no fear of nudity. I'm not real modest. And if someone wants to see the goods, just ask. When a female's been involved, it's a two-way street the first time. And she's probably a lot more concerned about her vanity than I am with mine. And once the action starts, it's all good anyway.
#5 Beautiful women: I must admit, even though I have nothing to gain, and I'm seeking nothing in return, I still have a tendency to get a little flustered. But I won't shy away from them. If anything, I'll try to get a little closer.
#6 Living paycheck to paycheck: One of life's cruel jokes. Most everyone is in this boat - save for some elite republicans.
#7 Not being a god to his kids: I'm "daddy." That's good enough.
#8 Being a lousy lover: Well, I've had no complaints, save for the one time I was sick and loopy on cold medicine. And no, that was not my wife. When all parties end satisfied, what more can you ask?
#9 Her tears: They are rare. I didn't marry a fragile tulip. There's nothing to fear here.
#10 His dad's death: Well, that would certainly suck. I guess there's a small fear for the inevitable. But it's not pending. So all is well.
#11 Speedos: I don't need to share the outline of my package to the world. If you want a peek, just ask. Speedos also kill sperm. It's true.
#12 Super Nanny: I've seen the show once. I have no desire to see it again. But if I catch a bit of it, so be it.
#13 Rejection: This one may be true. I've always struggled with rejection. Because of it, I've often avoided situations that could lead to it. Sometimes I'm amazed I ever got laid, let alone married. This fear has subsided with the passage of time. But it still exists.
#14 Getting caught noticing another woman: The beauty of sunglasses. You can gawk and not be noticed. Am I concerned if my wife sees me looking though? Hardly! She could pretty much care less. The most I'd ever get is an eye roll, after I gaze upon some other lovely creature and make some sort of gutteral "mmm-mmm." Jimmy Carter once said in an interview that he lusted after several women outside of his marriage. I think that's normal. Kudos to him for admitting it. But thinking it and acting on it are too vastly different things.
#15 Hair in the drain: My hair is so short as it is. If any were to hit the bottom of the shower, they'd be washed away. Amazingly, I still have my hair. At this point, I've no fear of losing it.
So there you have it. Once again, it appears as if I'm abnormal. Oh well. I'm happy that way.
Friday, February 09, 2007
TALKING BACKWARDS
Back in 1979, there was a TV show called "Real People." It was a really cool show featuring people doing amazing things - stunts and such. At the time, I was living in Manitowoc.
One night the show featured a guy who could talk backwards. His name was "Uncle Backwards" or something like that. I'm sure that wasn't his birth name though. Anyway, around that same time (probably shortly after the show) there was a small article in the newspaper about talking backwards. According to the article, people weren't supposed to be able to do that. In fact, the article said that if you knew someone who could, they wanted you to call the phone number they provided.
Well, I can talk backwards. At the time, I was a little kid. But I had been talking backwards for fun, for several years. I used to do it for my friends at school. They'd get a big kick out of it. My parents new of this talent of mine, and called the number. As it turned out, the person I spoke to on the phone were affiliated with the guy I'd seen on TV. In fact, they even let me talk to him for a few minutes.
A few weeks later, these two guys flew to Wisconsin to interview me for some sort of magazine or study. They brought tape recorders and put me through a bunch of tests to gauge my abilities. Apparently there was one other person somewhere in the country they went to see as well. They wanted to compare and contrast our "styles." It was all kind of weird to me. But it was kind of cool too. Our time together lasted a couple of hours. And that was it. There was to be no fame or fortune for me.
A year or two later, another TV show came on the air. This show was called "That's Incredible" - which was basically a carbon copy of "Real People." And lo and behold, that "Uncle Backwards" guy appeared on their show as well.
Then when I was in 8th grade, out of the blue, the two guys who had interviewed me years earlier, somehow tracked me down again. We were living in Two Rivers at that time. They wanted to fly in again and interview me. So they did. This time I taped it as well. I still have the tape. They even showed me the magazine that I had appeared in. They spent about 90 minutes with me, then left. I've not heard from them since.
When I was a junior in high school, Meff and I were talking on the phone one night. And I was telling him about my ability to talk backwards. He was a bit skeptical. Then again, he's skeptical about most things. So he challenged me. He asked me to not only say, but to actually sing the entire Flintstones' theme - backwards. Well, I guess I was up for the challenge. With no practice at all, I breezed through the entire song, in the proper time as well. When it was all said and done, he was laughing his ass off and telling me how amazing that was.
This is a true story. Maybe I should film myself singing the Flintstones' theme backwards once again, and put it in Youtube. What a trip! I think I will.
One night the show featured a guy who could talk backwards. His name was "Uncle Backwards" or something like that. I'm sure that wasn't his birth name though. Anyway, around that same time (probably shortly after the show) there was a small article in the newspaper about talking backwards. According to the article, people weren't supposed to be able to do that. In fact, the article said that if you knew someone who could, they wanted you to call the phone number they provided.
Well, I can talk backwards. At the time, I was a little kid. But I had been talking backwards for fun, for several years. I used to do it for my friends at school. They'd get a big kick out of it. My parents new of this talent of mine, and called the number. As it turned out, the person I spoke to on the phone were affiliated with the guy I'd seen on TV. In fact, they even let me talk to him for a few minutes.
A few weeks later, these two guys flew to Wisconsin to interview me for some sort of magazine or study. They brought tape recorders and put me through a bunch of tests to gauge my abilities. Apparently there was one other person somewhere in the country they went to see as well. They wanted to compare and contrast our "styles." It was all kind of weird to me. But it was kind of cool too. Our time together lasted a couple of hours. And that was it. There was to be no fame or fortune for me.
A year or two later, another TV show came on the air. This show was called "That's Incredible" - which was basically a carbon copy of "Real People." And lo and behold, that "Uncle Backwards" guy appeared on their show as well.
Then when I was in 8th grade, out of the blue, the two guys who had interviewed me years earlier, somehow tracked me down again. We were living in Two Rivers at that time. They wanted to fly in again and interview me. So they did. This time I taped it as well. I still have the tape. They even showed me the magazine that I had appeared in. They spent about 90 minutes with me, then left. I've not heard from them since.
When I was a junior in high school, Meff and I were talking on the phone one night. And I was telling him about my ability to talk backwards. He was a bit skeptical. Then again, he's skeptical about most things. So he challenged me. He asked me to not only say, but to actually sing the entire Flintstones' theme - backwards. Well, I guess I was up for the challenge. With no practice at all, I breezed through the entire song, in the proper time as well. When it was all said and done, he was laughing his ass off and telling me how amazing that was.
This is a true story. Maybe I should film myself singing the Flintstones' theme backwards once again, and put it in Youtube. What a trip! I think I will.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
THE FRICKEN' COLD!
Am I the only one who is sick and tired of this cold now? It's been a week of this shit! I've had enough! I walk the dog twice each night, for a total of 45 minutes combined. And it's brutal!
Jedi (the dog) loves to walk. But when he comes back, he has a bit of an ice beard. As for myself, I've been wearing a hooded sweatshirt, a leather jacket, a warm ear-bandana-type thing, and gloves. Yet I still freeze my ass off. Maybe I should wear something other than sweat pants. They're pretty thin. And when I got back, I find that my genitalia have shriveled up to the size of a walnut. Weird.
It was -21 earlier this week. Isn't that a bit excessive? If there's any silver lining at all, it's that it hasn't been windy - until last night that is. Last night the wind just ripped into me. It was actually the warmest night of this cold spell. But it felt the coldest. When I got back home, my legs were red and numb. Yet I keep venturing out into it. You have to exercise. And the dog needs to walk. So what are you going to do? Grin and bear it? No, bitch and bear it.
Jedi (the dog) loves to walk. But when he comes back, he has a bit of an ice beard. As for myself, I've been wearing a hooded sweatshirt, a leather jacket, a warm ear-bandana-type thing, and gloves. Yet I still freeze my ass off. Maybe I should wear something other than sweat pants. They're pretty thin. And when I got back, I find that my genitalia have shriveled up to the size of a walnut. Weird.
It was -21 earlier this week. Isn't that a bit excessive? If there's any silver lining at all, it's that it hasn't been windy - until last night that is. Last night the wind just ripped into me. It was actually the warmest night of this cold spell. But it felt the coldest. When I got back home, my legs were red and numb. Yet I keep venturing out into it. You have to exercise. And the dog needs to walk. So what are you going to do? Grin and bear it? No, bitch and bear it.
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